PETA Bred?


If this guy doesn’t offend you then keep reading…

I have sooo had enough of PETA. Seriously. Who in the fuck are these people? If you’re just tuning in, it’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I totally get not clubbing baby seals. They’re amazingly cute. They can’t have much meat on them, and who would want a seal fur coat?

I used to live near the California coast and would often drive to a beach where you can view literally hundreds of elephant seals sunbathing. I dig the seals. There was another beach I frequented where it was not uncommon to see seals and otters playing and feeding in the surf just a few yards away from me. Cool!

But, I can also tell you that I knew some restaurateurs at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco that loved seals like most people love pigeons or roaches. The place is overrun with the damned things. They’re noisy and they make a mess. Tourists don’t know any better – they think they’re cute and they feed them constantly. They’re like stray cats and raccoons. You can’t get rid of ’em.

Honestly though, I’ve always lived in urban America where we have an absolute excess of everything a human being could possibly want. I’ve never wanted for anything and have at times been embarrassed in certain company over how fortunate we are as a culture. But what about cultures that aren’t as fortunate as we are (which is most of the world)?

Have you ever seen a row of tomato plants and an igloo in the same picture? In all the photos and video footage you’ve seen over the years of Mt. Everest and the Himalayas how many gardens have you seen? How many vegetables have you seen growing out of those rocks and glaciers? How about west Texas, southern Arizona, New Mexico, the California High Desert, and the Sonoran Desert of northern Mexico. Ever been there? How many cacti and dried chilis do you think you could eat?

Do you know why people in Southeast Asia and remote Africa eat bugs? Because they have to. So, If I was starving and the only thing I could see for miles was snow, ice, and a baby seal I would beat that little bastard silly!

I suppose that it’s okay that whaling is illegal in the U.S. Not sure I’d want to eat a whale. And I don’t hunt because a) I could never shoot an unarmed animal. I love animals. And b) I don’t eat game. But here’s the thing. God made certain animals specifically so humans could eat them! Read the book! It’s in there. Start at Genesis and make your way through to the New Testament. We’re supposed to have complete and total mastery and control over animals, and WE’RE SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM!

In fact, here’s how important this was to God (years before PETA); Noah was to take one pair of each and every land animal onto the ark, but he was instructed to take 7 pairs of each animal that had been designated by God for eating (they’re listed later on in the book).

PETA even has a site devoted to proving that God and Jesus intended us to be veg-heads. Okay, but if you want to take the bible literally let’s go back to the old testament where for a couple thousand years animals were senselessly sacrificed on a daily basis (in the church even) to please God and to atone oneself for one’s sins and indiscretions.

Um…ever heard of “loaves and fishes”?

Here’s the newest. According to PETA we’re supposed to refer to fish as “sea kittens”. We’re supposed to stop eating fish. We’re supposed to stop fishing, or “hunting sea kittens”. Seriously? Adopt a fish? Give a fish new hope? There’s even a little activity page where you can design your own sea kitten. There’s little sea kitten clothes, and little sea kitten sunglasses…I wish they had a little sea kitten machine gun.

Give me a fucking break!

PETA suggests that by switching to a vegetarian lifestyle “you can save more than 100 animals a year”. Alright, let’s do the math.

Let’s say that the 300 million people in our country stop eating animals tomorrow. By the beginning of February 2010 there will be more than an additional 30 billion animals roaming, shitting, and breeding in the United States alone.

Where should we put them? Are they to roam the streets like the anemic cows do in India? Ever seen one of these cows in the National Geographic. They’re poverty stricken and malnourished too. If Indians would get over the idea that cows are their long passed relatives and start slaughtering them for food, the largest population of starving people on the planet would be instantly well fed! Problem solved!

What would happen if we as a species stopped eating all animals for 10, 20, 30 years? Ever think about that? There’s no birth control being practiced out there where the buffalo roam. Who do you think would be in charge of the world then?

PETA has a page devoted to saving chickens across America from a poor upbringing. The page is titled Kentucky Fried Cruelty. On the homepage Pamela Anderson (whore) is all dolled up (like a whore) in a video touting a ban on KFC. As far as I can tell she keeps her clothes on and her legs together in this video. Maybe she’s pissed off because all the hormones are causing the birds’ breasts to plump up bigger than hers (rubber and salt water).

She is joined on her Crusade of Stupidity by numerous other celebrities including Tommy Lee (Pam’s ex john and porn partner), Richard Pryor (dead for 4 years now), the Dalai Lama (vegetarian, moot point), and Rev. Al Sharpton (need I say more?).

You wanna attack the slaughterhouses, feed lots, and poultry farms? Fine. Do it. Do it because they could do a better job, and because humans will benefit in the long run by having tastier and more nutritious food. There’s a huge trend right now in holistic farming. Follow that, but don’t tell me I shouldn’t eat meat.

Altogether PETA has 66 different websites that specialize in a different angle to carry their message. Really…SIXTY-SIX! You can go here and count for yourself. Do you know of any company or organization that has (or needs) sixty-six websites to carry their message?

Here’s one of the better ones…

First line on the page:

“Have some … pus with your cookies? If you down a glass of cow’s milk, you will. It may be white, but researchers say that every cupful contains somatic cells, i.e., pus.”

Jesus! So we’re just supposed to drink water, juice, and soy-goddamn-milk, and eat roots, stalks, and leaves?

Comedian Ron White said it best I think:

“I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”

Here’s a website for ya — how about

What brought all this on?

PETA had a commercial set for the 2009 Super Bowl promoting vegetarianism, but it got banned. It featured attractive, lingerie clad women using vegetables in provocative ways, with the tag line, “Vegetarians have better sex.” They proudly make it available on their website here, along with their sarcastic rebuttal to NBC for rejecting the spot.

Their campaign is based on the concept (stated as a fact) that vegetarians make better lovers. Let me tell you something — first of all the models they used for their commercial are not likely vegetarians. Second of all, I’ve dated a couple vegetarians. Great lovers they weren’t. Something about being “meat shy” if you get my drift.

I wish I had a nickel for every customer I’ve cooked for that had special needs because they were vegetarians. “I can eat eggs, dairy, and fish.” Guess what? Fish and cheese ain’t vegetables. Eggs are chicken! And true vegans – another planet altogether. Hey, I’m not knocking it really. God knows my diet shouldn’t support life at all. I can’t remember the last time I ate a vegetable. All I’m asking for is the right to meals without persecution.

They’ve even got a cookbook…”Cooking With PETA”. How about “Cooking With Pets”? Okay, listen…I love animals. I love my dog and have kept fish, snails, snakes, ferrets, turtles, rabbits, cats, birds, lizards, toads, and even a praying mantis once I think. I never ate one of them. And I believe strongly in adopting pets, closing down “puppy mills”, spaying and neutering, rescuing injured or abandoned animals, and keeping pets indoors as much as possible. Pets are to be loved — not eaten and not to be used as lawn accessories.

But God meant damn well for me to eat steaks, bacon, and cheeseburgers. He meant for ice cold milk from a cow to go with warm cookies. I love the AFLAC duck, but not as much as a steaming bowl of crispy Thai red curry duck. AFLAC this! And while Babe is one of my favorite movies, I rarely turn down an opportunity to eat a pig.

Sea Kittens? Fuck You!